When the Unthinkable Hits Close to Home: Leading Through Conversations After a School Tragedy

Like many Canadians, the events in Tumbler Ridge have deeply affected me. Not in an abstract way, but in a physical, embodied way.

As a parent of four, one of whom is in junior high, my mind immediately goes to hallways, lockers, and group chats lighting up. I think about how differently each of my children processes difficult news. One internalizes and grows quiet. One asks repeated questions. One observes carefully before speaking. One feels everything immediately and intensely.

As someone who advocates for 2SLGBTQIA+ youth, I feel an additional layer of concern. For many of these young people, safety is not theoretical. It is something they navigate daily. When violence enters a school environment, it does not simply create fear. It can heighten students' vulnerability who may already feel exposed.

This tragedy also resurfaced something personal.

When I was in high school, there was a school stabbing in my hometown of Okotoks, and a student in our community was killed by her ex-boyfriend. I remember the shock of that day, the confusion, and the silence that followed. That experience shaped how I understand the long arc of grief and how events in adolescence can stay with us.

So when something like this happens now, I am not only responding as a leader or as a parent. I am responding as a former teenager who once tried to make sense of something that felt senseless.

Holding my own emotions while holding space for my children is not simple. However, the skills required are the same skills we rely on in leadership and in business every day.

Different People, Different Nervous Systems

In the aftermath of tragedy, reactions vary widely. Within a single family or team, you may see:

• Someone who appears calm and unaffected

• Someone who becomes visibly anxious or distracted

• Someone who avoids the topic entirely

• Someone who needs to talk through every detail

It is easy to misinterpret these responses. Calm does not necessarily mean someone is fine. Visible anxiety does not necessarily mean someone is fragile.

What we are observing are human nervous system responding to perceived threat. When something destabilizing happens, people instinctively move toward whatever helps them feel safer. Some seek information. Others seek silence. Some try to regain control through action and productivity.

As parents and leaders, our responsibility is not to correct the reaction. Our responsibility is to create enough safety for steadiness to return.

Regulation Before Explanation

In moments like this, many adults instinctively want to explain. We want to provide facts, context, and reassurance. While information has its place, it does not always land when emotions are heightened.

Steadiness comes first.

Before entering a conversation, it helps to pause and consider:

• Am I grounded, or am I reacting from my own fear?

• Am I trying to resolve this quickly because it feels uncomfortable?

• Is my tone communicating calm or urgency?

Children and teams often take cues from the most regulated person in the room. This does not require emotional suppression. It requires presence.

There is an important distinction between stoicism and steadiness. Stoicism suppresses emotion and communicates distance. Steadiness acknowledges emotion while remaining grounded. In both families and organizations, steadiness builds trust.

Naming Emotion Without Dismissing It

One of the simplest and most powerful tools available to us is emotional acknowledgment.

Statements such as the following can create space:

• “This feels heavy.”

• “I can understand why that might feel scary.”

• “It makes sense if you feel confused or angry.”

When emotions are named, people often feel less alone. Minimizing statements such as “It will be fine” or “Try not to think about it” can unintentionally shut down conversation.

A more stabilizing message is direct and human: you are allowed to feel this, and I am here with you.

This approach applies equally to adolescents and to adult teams navigating uncertainty.

Structure Is Containment, Not Avoidance

After tragedy, routine can be stabilizing. At home, this may mean maintaining predictable schedules and daily rhythms. In organizations, it may mean continuing planned meetings while acknowledging the emotional context.

Leaders often move to one of two extremes. They either ignore the event entirely or allow it to derail all forward movement. There is a balanced path.

Effective containment includes:

• Acknowledging what has occurred without dramatizing it

• Offering flexibility where appropriate

• Maintaining direction and clarity about next steps

Structure restores a sense of control when the external world feels unpredictable. Containment allows emotion to exist without overwhelming the system.

Do Not Force Processing

Not every child will want to talk, and not every employee will want to process.

The goal is not to compel conversation but to make it available. Questions such as the following respect autonomy:

• “What has this been like for you?”

• “Would you prefer to talk about it, or focus on something else today?”

Autonomy enhances safety. When individuals feel they have choice, it often helps them settle more easily.

The Leadership Parallel

This conversation is not separate from business leadership. It is an example of it.

Leaders are required to hold dual realities: the human experience and the operational mandate. Following a school tragedy, these realities intersect sharply. Parents on your team may be worried. Some individuals may be personally impacted by past experiences. Others may appear unaffected while processing internally.

If leadership focuses solely on performance metrics, it neglects the human system. If leadership focuses solely on emotion without direction, it creates drift.

Effective leadership integrates both by:

• Regulating oneself before responding

• Acknowledging the emotional climate

• Maintaining structure and expectations

• Inviting conversation without coercion

These are stabilizing skills. They preserve trust and effectiveness over time.

To the Families and Community of Tumbler Ridge

To the families and loved ones in Tumbler Ridge, my heart is with you. No parent should endure this kind of loss. No student should have to process fear in a place meant for learning. Many of us are grieving alongside you and holding you in our thoughts.

If you feel called to offer tangible support, you can contribute to the verified community fundraiser here:
Support Tumbler Ridge families and recovery efforts
https://www.gofundme.com/communities/tumbler-ridge-bc

We cannot control the events that shake our communities. We can choose how we show up in their aftermath. Sometimes the most meaningful leadership act is not having the answer. It is remaining steady, present, and deeply human.